We wait

GRATITUDE 

As I sit here at 4 in the morning, I am flooded with thoughts. Thoughts about the future, thoughts about what to share, how to share and all the scary unknowns. Thank you for the hundreds of messages, facebook posts, emails, calls, texts. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through something like this without technology! Thank you for taking care of us, the compassion, the food. THE FOOD! It really is that one thing that is easy to take off my plate right now. Although I am asking myself a lot of questions right now, I don't have to ask "what's for dinner?" 

I am overwhelmed with gratitude from all of you. This village we have is amazing. I really do have amazing people in my life. To field the many questions, and put it into one place, I will be updating my blog with what we know. Moving forward, it is my hope that you have more answers, and it will reduce the amount of "filling in". I know the questions come from a compassionate and caring place, I really do. I'm exhausted.

LOOKING BACK

Here is how it all started. Looking back, there have been some things that may have been flags, or maybe just old age :) I am the ripe old age of 41, and I am told things change when you hit your 40's. For a while that is what I chalked it up to be. Then I started getting more concerned. We laugh that we have some answers now, which explains: why I hate group fitness (I'm so self conscious of my lack of coordination!), why I can't hold tree pose for the life of me (don't ask me to close me eyes!), why I am so well known to always leave something behind, why I often run into a door frame or mis step, why water skiing and downhill skiing has become so challenging, why I feel like I have water in my head, and a constant feeling of vertigo, why my motion sickness has gotten SO bad (Hawaii helicopter ride put me out for and entire day, why I felt so sick in Disney for Iyla's 10 year trip), why I nearly pass out when my head is upside down (this landed me in the ER last year), why I have random muscle twitching, why a single alcoholic drink makes me feel completed plastered, why I am asking "why do others make paddle boarding look so easy, I have to work super hard to stay on mine". Last summer I was paddle boarding with friends, and we laughed so hard because I kept falling in - I know they have some amazing visions of it they can still laugh at! I am not in pain and can function normally. You would never know I had these things going on - I just have to work hard to maintain balance and reduce my feelings of dizziness. These are all good reminders that what one body can do, another body can't. 

HOW IT TRANSPIRED

I have been treated for vertigo, going to physical therapy. They tried all the maneuvers on me, it wasn't working. There were some exercises I was supposed to do at home. Sometimes I did them, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes it was laziness, and sometimes forgetfulness. I did know I wasn't seeing results. When I called to make an appointment with my doctor, she was gone and  booked until April 9th - I couldn't wait that long and felt more urgency. So I took the first available opening with a stranger. I went in, demanded an MRI, and landed myself in the machine a week later. I received the devastating call on Wednesday of this week (a week later) while I was teaching my CAPS class in person and off site. The clinic called, and I ignored it like I do when I'm teaching. They called again... so I decided to take the call. When I heard the words "you have a mass on your brain", I thought, "wait, what? let me site down." Probably much like you felt when you heard the news. I sat down, and one of my students was coming back from the bathroom. As we made eye contact, I could see in her eyes that she sensed something was wrong. There is nothing in the world that prepares you for news like this. There is no guidebook or manual to navigate this world. I couldn't hold it together, and sent my students home. After some very difficult phone calls (the hardest being Andy, and my family), I began to process all the feels. 

The next day, we met virtually with a neurosurgeon. Unfortunately he did not have the images to look at, only the report. From what he could gather, this is what we know - and only what we know. It doesn't look to be malignant (thank God!), it is growing in the lower left of my head, it is VERY slow growing (likely for years), it is possibly a schwanomma tumor (don't google it, seriously), it is starting to press on my brain stem (which is why I feel so weird) and it requires a very specialized surgeon who handles skull tumors. He kept referring to it as a skull tumor, which means absolutely nothing to me, I have a tumor in my head.  He wouldn't touch it - which is nice to know that he was honest, but also makes it more scary. We have been referred to a team of doctors at Mayo and we still have heard nothing from them about scheduling our first appointment. I will call on Monday, and I'm realizing that the medical system is messy (as we learned when we went through our Mom's ordeal a couple of years ago), and I have to be my own best advocate. Again, he was only reading the report. Without images, none of this is confirmed.

I have taken a leave of absence for the remainder of the school year. This alleviates a TON of stress. As you know, teaching comes with high demand, especially this year. I have a hard time finding time to do it all well and focus on my family. It is the first Sunday I will not be working in a long time. This was the right decision, as I cannot predict what my future holds. Insurance is a scary thing, mine will end in August if I don't go back to my job. We will cross that bridge when we get there. For now, I am well taken care of.

ALL THE FEELS

We are really f**** scared. I don't know how else to explain how I feel... we all feel. I have spent three days feeling extremely emotional. Of course, every time I talk to someone new it triggers a flurry of emotions. While in public, I find myself thinking "these people have no idea that something is growing in my head". Not that they need to know, it just creates a different perspective.  We have no idea what people are going though as life around us continues,  regardless of what we are facing. Because my life currently has pause, it feels weird to see everyone going about their business. I feel like it isn't just a bump in this life road, it is a hill that I have to climb. Right now, I am sitting at the bottom, feeling like I don't know where to go or how to get to the top. Five days out now, I'm starting to feel more angry. I am going to kick this tumors ass.

This is why we need your support and prayers. You are what will keep us climbing and shining, and keep our focus on the top of the hill. That hill that I think will be really f**** (can you sense my anger yet?) hard to climb. I am looking forward to the descend, when I can look back and say that I am stronger because I climbed that hill. 

The girls are doing well. Obviously, it has been hard news for them to process and their emotions continue to come out in strange ways. From the start, Vera has been our little cheerleader. Both girls have become even more affectionate than they were before. I love the nightly snuggles, check ins, hugs and hand holding. It makes me feel safe. They are strong little girls who will become strong women because of their resiliency. I love them so damn much, they are the reason I will overcome this thing.

HOW CAN I HELP?

A question we hear multiple times a day. A true testament of how lucky we are to have an army or warriors ready to pray and lend a hand. This isn't in our hands, but your support will keep our eyes on hope. Right now, I don't know what we need or what we will need in the future. We simply need more answers to really know. I do know that your kindness and acts of service are what keeps me thinking positively (acts of service = my love language). Of course Andy's love language is physical touch :) Those who know Andy, he will NEVER ask for help. He will do everything on his own and always put others before himself. I guess you will just need to recognize what he needs and act, don't ask. If you ask, you will be met with "I'm good". Andy is and will continue to be my rock.

THE MOVE

We recently signed papers to close on a house in June. My situation could really complicate this, but I have demanded "we are going to do this no matter what". We are trading our backyard view of other houses for a view of wetlands just outside of Shakopee. As we wake up and open the blinds each day, Andy and I have always joked that we are looking at the waves crashing on the beach. We are still going to do this, NO MATTER WHAT. Leaving our neighborhood family and a home that holds so many memories has made this decision very hard. These neighbors will always be our family no matter where are. I know we will need lots of help with this move - packing, unpacking and logistics. I had a friend offer to be our moving manager, and yes, that is what we will need!

This is going to be quite a journey. For now, we are still. We wait.